Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
