She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
