If i come over, it means nothing
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
