Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
