The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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