I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
