I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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