I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
