You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
