I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
