Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
