Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
