Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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