my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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