I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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