dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
