I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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