Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
