I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
