if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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