I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone came in the potted fern
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
