i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
