those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
