my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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