You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
