remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
