she looked like the bat from fern gully.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
