His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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