There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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