im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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