just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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