i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You did what with his pubic hair?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
