i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
