im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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