I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
