bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
