Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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