You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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