I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
