meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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