the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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