In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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