I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You are the jesus of drinking
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
