I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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