its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
