I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
