You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
