Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
