idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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