So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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