After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
