You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
